ME vs. ME

Since I was about 19 I have struggled to fit in as far as finding my true self. I have always been artsy and into the not so "normal" ways of life as far as corporate America goes in Utah. Surrounded by cookie cutter people and a lot of religious freaks, I have set out on a journey but only to find myself even deeper in a whole and further away from my dream.
I married my, now ex husband, back in June of 2003. It was a mistake from the beginning and deep down I knew it. At age 21 I was not where I wanted to be in life. I had no education, no motivation for anything. Looking back now, I was really a lost soul. My marriage took a toll on me when we moved to southern California. I missed my family horribly and realized that my husband was not who I wanted to be with and that I needed to make some changes in my life. I was always someone who went along for the ride and never really spoke up. I thought my life would get better some day and that things would eventually work themselves out.
I was a lic Pharmacy Technician at the time and hated my job. Getting yelled at by old, drugged out people all day was not what I called enjoyable. I broke down one day and told my husband I was leaving. I packed my Trooper with my clothes, photo albums and my dog Sadie. We made the trek back to Utah and I cannot tell you how relieving it was driving out of that driveway never looking back. I felt like I was 1 step closer to happiness.
Going through the separation from my husband was emotional stressful and wearing. Some days I missed him and wanted to go back and others I had never been happier. I broke down a lot of the time but knew it would get better. When we finally decided that it was not going to work between us I felt a huge lift off my shoulders and I began the divorce process. It was finalized in October of 2005. By then I had moved to Salt Lake City where I had found a job as a Pharmacy Technician and was loving it but in some way I felt like it was not for me. I made okay money but I didnt feel in control of my life. I had found the pleasure that single life brought and was loving every minute of it. I had my own apartment, a good job and great friends. I have always been the life of the party I guess and kind of not caring what people think of me. I let my partying get out of control but at the time did not realize it. Many times I would go to work hungover and maybe still legally intoxicated but I thought "I had a great time last night and I don't regret it!"
My job at the pharmacy was going down hill since we got a new manager. He and I did not get along, which was the first time I had not gotten along with a boss, and it was affecting my work and my attitude. I started getting tattoos at age 18 and went through a couple bouts of not wanting more cause I was trying to be accepted among my fellow co workers in "corporate America." FUCK IT I said...I finally decided that I am going to be me and people will have to just live with it. I started getting more tattoos and eventually got my whole left arm done along with my chest, and a few on my right arm as well as my leg.
10 years later, I am the happiest I have EVER been. I have a great boyfriend and an awesome son. I have realized that if I want the kind of happiness that I WANT (not what everyone says you should have)then I can achieve it. I no longer do pharmacy cause it is just not for me. I quit trying to be someone that I am not and started being who I really am. Maybe I don't fit that perfect suit in corporate America with a perfect receptionist voice. Maybe Id rather go have a beer and go to a strip club than have martinis with the girls and watch a chick flick.
All I am saying is happiness is whatever YOU WANT IT TO BE!!!